Turning 40. And 41.

As you know, I turned 40 a few months ago and I went into the celebration with bright eyes, a very open mind and an earful of reassurance from friends, family and even virtual strangers that it would be “fabulous.”

You’re going to feel better than ever, they told me.

You will be confident and strong.

You will be self-aware and evolved.

You will be living your very best everything.

Maybe they meant 41.

I always try to approach this space with positivity. There is enough of the opposite on the internet already. But I am choosing to come at it from a place of honesty today instead. And honestly, I am feeling kind of negative.

Since I turned 40, I have had issues sleeping, eating, stressing, and worrying. I have pulled my back, had my skin freak out, gained weight despite exercising more than ever and suffered from the most intense mood swings I have ever experienced. I have had less patience, more lethargy, and a lack of motivation that is simply not in my DNA.

It has been, quite frankly, kind of shitty.

And I know I am not alone. We want to be 40 and on top of the world but for a lot of women, this transition is a tough one. Physically, mentally and emotionally. And we are almost afraid to say it because society – and every birthday card out there – tells us it should be a phase of strength and empowerment and self-confidence. Better than ever. Our priorities perfectly aligned. All of our relationships at their peak. Our bodies blissfully adored for what they are and not what they look like.

41.

Must be 41.

And I am trying to be ok with that. I am trying to acknowledge that a lot of this change – most of it not that great – is natural. That it’s normal. That it’s not an indicator of the next decade (or two) of my life. That I may just need to work a little harder to find my way to fabulous. Be a little more patient with myself. With the world around me. With my own body and mind. I am trying – really hard – to make healthy choices not just with my body, but with my time and my brain. To approach the whole thing – 40 – with the same attitude I try to bring to this little space. To stay positive. And hopefully some days it will work.

So if you happen to be in the same or a similar phase, I am here to encourage you to do the same and to reassure you and to hear you out. To recognize that the birthday card – and all those family and friends – may have been wrong. And that that’s ok.

It’s not your fault if it doesn’t feel the way it feels for others.

The way you had hoped.

The way they said it would.

They really meant 41.