As Your Love Grows
Kai is at the age – almost four – where he is outgrowing my open arms.
Rocking in his old, creaky glider at bedtime is getting increasingly awkward. Lifting him in my arms and propping him on the hip that once housed him so comfortably is giving me aches and pains all over. My attempts at cuddling him up in a little pocket beside me on the couch are now met with rambunctious kicks and arms flailing and restless limbs that won’t sit still.
He is taller, bigger, heavier, than my body can accommodate but my heart still has all the room in the world and it has been a tough transition for me, both physically and mentally.
While this phase makes half of me long to have one more baby – one more perfect little body to lull to sleep in my arms every night, to have adjoined to me at all times – reality (and my husband) tells me this is it.
No more rocking chairs. No more babies on my hip. No more sweet compact cuddles with patient bodies that just want to be held.
I have to find a new way for my love to grow.
Yes, hands are still being held and hugs are still aplenty and kisses still float through the air onto both of my babies…sometimes to their chagrin.
But I need to find new ways to show them comfort and warmth and love for this new phase of all our lives. Beyond the physical.
And I need to find new ways to accept their love in return.
I have a feeling it’s going to mean more listening. More stories. More one-on-one time without distractions. More quiet observations from afar. Letting both of them know that as we, as a family, leave these baby moments behind us there are even better moments ahead of us. Not ones filled with bedtime rocking chair sessions and endless cuddling but ones filled with just as much love and comfort and warmth. Shown in other ways.
I may not be able to hold up close to 40 sweet little pounds in my arms anymore, but as my children grow, so does my love for them. In ways I couldn’t have ever imagined.
So we’ll all just have to figure out how to carry that amazing load moving forward.
*image above is actually me with Little D…and I just love it so.